Invictus...unconquered.... by William Ernest Henley

I used to joke, "Of course BC accepted me, I'm 18, Puerto Rican and I don't have a baby, I'm helping to fill their quota."  6 years later, i extend a thousand apologies to my struggling mothers and victims of circumstance but i also realize that i was belittiling the hard work i did to get to where i was.  so, on this 28th day of july, 2010 as my master's degree was confirmed upon completion of my master's defense with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities therein i appreciate what i did to get here as well as the hard work, love, support, well wishes, prayers and general good vibes from my family and friends.  i appreciate the negative energy sent also, keep it comin, that shit is good target practice.

written as a "demonstration of his resilience" Henley says it best in the poem below that was introduced to me in high school, had new-found meaning in college and continues to ring true in my heart today.  enjoy.  peace and prosperity, humans.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

"Shun not the struggle, face it, for it is God's gift..."

The revolution's here
No one can lead you off your path
You'll try to change the world
So please excuse me while I laugh
No one can change your ways
No one can lead you off your path
You'll try to change the world
So please excuse me while I laugh
- Talib Kweli

it's funny how you think you know who are but then a set of brand new eyes are looking clear through you and you don't know this person from adam but they seem to know something about you, realize something about you that you didn't know or you knew and never put words to. gosh, i love connecting to people.

anyway, what was said about me is that i am passionate and hopeful in the face of struggle. even when odds are against me i keep on keepin on. i guess i never saw this as much of feat because the fact is that there are people with far more odds against them and anything i struggle through ... well, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, right? so, "struggle doesn't necessarily have to feel like hardship." in fact, if you look at it more as duty, which i realize i do, then it can even feel good. ask anyone who works with inner-city youth and they'll tell you it's hard and the classroom holds far more than 30 students because the roster doesn't account for the baggage that they carry in and maybe it feels like you're jumping hurdles all day but celebrate each hurdle and thank god that you have the capacity to jump it in the first place.

The Gospel According to Shug

Below is an excerpt from one of my favorite books of all time, Temple of My Familiar by one of the loves of my life: Alice Walker. The book is a companion novel to The Color Purple and i understand something new each time I read it. ENJOY.

"HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know. "

wrap your arms around me baby like a circle round the sun

I'm headed back to NY on the Metro-North (doesn't traveling alone make u think a lot? Sometimes that's why I don't like it...). I'm coming from the camp that I spent 5 glorious summers at as a child. Standing at the bank and looking out at the lake I realized that I new the tree skyline by heart, it was etched in my brain and the feeling of being there had since been covered by other bullshit and I was able to put my mind at ease for the first time in a while. My eyes relaxed, opposite from the way I walk through NYC as if I have blinders on, with music plugging up my ears and foul smells barraging me. Wide open spaces trigger something in your brain that makes it easier to relax, to see, to breathe, to think, to feel, to love (sidebar: is this why prisons "work?" Hmm.). I am eternally appreciative of the memories I have from this place and the lessons I have learned (boating, swimming, firestarting, first aid, how to be a good friend, helping, sharing, what poison ivy looks like, how to appreciate every little thing God has given you-- to name a few). More so, I am ever-grateful for the people who graced my life at that time and continue to do so today. There is something special about the kind of relationship that 13/14 year old girls have. You know everything about each other- partly because, due to the time-on-earth:experience ratio there is less to know but also because there are no holds barred knowing that this person loves you and your secrets are just important to them as they are to you. I am ecstatic/awed/thankful to report that 10 years apart changed nothing and seeing these special ladies helped me to hold a mirror to myself and know that I love me because they first loved me--- before I was even me!

i need girlfriends

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.- Alice Walker

me: i just looked at my thighs, i need a gym, stat. no, 3 months ago, i need a gym 3 months ago.
pascale: u need those thighs. u carry life. girl, shut up.

if you live anywhere where cell phones exist you know about bbm. well, let me tell you, bbm is not just any ordinary messaging program for me. it has turned into a running conversation between myself and some amazing ladies that pretty much keeps me sane. imagine that you have a co-worker a few cubes down and you're like, "if that bitch gives me attitude one more time im gonna...[censored]." well, don't do that, just turn to your blackberry, type in what that trick did and get instant feedback from people who love you and are having similar issues and keep their phones nearby for situations such as this. fabulous. and you don't get fired. i call this text therapy and it is soo necessary. bbm just makes this conversation instant but in general girls NEED girls. we need female friends and not ones who are there for show. you know, the ones that you just go out with just because. no, real friends who are there for you, understand you and hold a life view that is just different enough to validate your feelings and challenge your thinking, in short: surround yourself with people who make you grow. amen. these women keep you sane, keep you focused, keep you honest and keep you you. you wouldn't think that you'd need anyone to keep you you but without a mirror we can't actually see ourselves. go out there, find a mirror and hold on to her so that you will never forget her beauty or your own.

Intentions

what if you don't know your own intentions? or, maybe, you are just hiding them from yourself? does that make you extremely intelligent or extremely crazy? is it possible to not know what you needed until you get it? why or why not? if it is possible to not know what you have until you lose then it can be possible to hide your feelings so well that even you forgot where you put them and start to questions whether you had them in the first place?

Valentina

Because of their innocence the spirit world manifests itself to children
so i know you used to visit me
on nights i was alone with my thoughts
standing over my shoulder
to share the book i was reading
your garment of liquid glass visibly white
remained in my room until my young body surrendered to sleep

now your yellowed portrait sits with me at the kitchen table
i look into my own eyes
and remember you through invention
sitting behind your sewing machine
quick fingers maneuvering deftly
knitted eyebrows
in concentration

in your yellowed portrait i trace the contour of my own nose
and you are standing in the kitchen
onion overpowering warm chorizo undertones
sizzling
in the center of the pan
stirring in sofrito you ask about my book
my schoolwork
the boy who keeps teasing me

in your yellowed portrait
you thin lips pressed shut;
no smiles, yet no lies
painted red
glossy and preserved
your body brought forth three men
reason enough for the constant click of rosary beads
reason enough to rub a crucified Jesus
down to a nub

a woman, a widow, a mother, a yellowed portrait
and broken hearts
an untold story
unlearned lessons
unprayed prayers and unsung praises
lying in wait
for glory day

faith at this moment

"The painful things seemed like knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place."- Anita Diamant ("The Red Tent")

“Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

on days that i feel unhappy certain christian teachings i have been taught lead me to believe that it's the Enemy- capital E- trying to keep me down, tell me i'm not worth it, make me feel bad. but then, on happy, light days couldn't that be this enemy too? this time trying to keep me blinded from what is really going on around me? helping me to think what i am doing is right when i couldn't be more wrong? casting doubt? the god of the jews hardened the pharoah's heart to make it possible for hordes of slaves to walk right on out of egypt and it was similar hardness aka grit that saved job from temptation and certain death. in current world circumstances i find it hard to understand who's who and what's what but- quite honestly- these celestial battles going on for my soul make me nervous. thinking we are alone in the universe is scarier so i leave that alone. we are not alone, left for dead, but when you really start to hold this faith thing and turn it around in your hands you start to see it as the piece of cut crystal that it resembles; sparkling, twinkling, changing depending on your position and the position of the sun. so it all depends on where we are and what season of life we are in. is faith supposed to be rigid like the crystal? unbend-able? stiff? cold, hard crystal would chip if dropped or if it fell as humans so often "fall," "fail", "miss the mark." hmmmmm no, it's more like water... fluid, moving, changing direction, filling the cup it is poured into and sparkling in the sun like innumerable diamonds.