inspired lately

10/15/10

Untitled

it is strong coffee on saturday morning
with a caffeinated brain it is easier to talk shit about the neighbors
it is the crackle of the record player over salsa beats and motown hits
it is grandma
because if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger
and she's not dead yet
and maybe it's me
and maybe i am like my mother
and maybe the blood in my veins has seen more than my eyes and understood more than my heart and knowing so much, it grows angry at being stuck in my body and my present
and maybe i look so much like her that the spirits confuse us
and maybe she loves that
maybe legacy is a way to cheat death and death is mad
maybe death claimed her and i have to believe it was to save her from something worse
maybe death is much more gracious than she seems

but sometimes it was worse
sometimes it was blood-crusted corners of mouths
and sterilized tubes
sometimes life is hospital
gowns and hospital beds
gauze and drip bags
sometimes it was a mask between lips and skin
and maybe spirits still mistake me for her
even though there is no lump in my breast
and my body has not lost nor borne any children
but that's not what spirits see when they look at you

because my thick thighs and unruly curls are only part of my mother's legacy
spirit eyes see the burnt orange of our strong will
the sunflower yellow of our positive minds
the dusty knuckle-brown of hard work
we are autumn souls
hardening soil
covered with fallen leaves
awaiting rebirth

when not to play with fire

I'm listening to the silence between your words
And
it speaks to me in volumes
The meaning of your carefully crafted sentences is shattered by unforgiving white space
bursting to the point of breaking with aged emotion.
Like a mountain climber
your tongue
searches for steady footholds
Preferring the fine dust of sturdy weather-beaten rock to the texture of the skin on the back of my neck
See, I have a hard time keeping my heart off my sleeve
But your intentional avoidance exposes me
to the possibility of turning my heart into that dusty rockface
And I'd rather hide it than let it play
in the white canyons between your words
Exposed to the elements of raw emotion
Yours is a silence that hums and I will not harmonize
No matter how much I love to sing.

"real" school reform

some days i wake up and read the paper and i want to go marching around the capital with a sign and a list of demands; some days i'm too tired for all that because i'm actually doing my job (novel idea for some teachers).  in Education Week James Farwell wrote this article called "What Would Real School Reform Look Like? usually i'm not one for reform debates because i get so frustrated that i want to bulldoze right through the DOE and start fresh (rev·o·lu·tion: an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed.). emphasis added by yours truly because, as stated by Mr. Einstein: "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
so in the article Farwell presents his  idea for what real school reform would have to look like. after dismissing current reform attempts as ineffective he makes some good points. Here are some favs:

"We need to view our children as the unique and special people that they are. Our schools need to become the “neighborhoods,” to use the late Fred Rogers’ term, that create the means for each child’s uniqueness and potential to be realized.
One qualification for anyone who works in schools should be a love and respect for children. Anyone lacking in these two areas should be asked to seek employment elsewhere.
We need to approach each child as a whole person, as someone who has physical, emotional, social, intellectual, artistic, and spiritual needs. Children are more than just brains to be filled and candidates for the job market.
We need to realize that not all children are developmentally ready for learning basic skills at the same time, nor do they learn in the same way. Moreover, they cannot show what they have learned by using only one means for measuring learning success."

Basically that's all the lovey dovey, soft stuff, he goes into some hard facts and ideas about how to equally share the financial burden of a quality education in a "village" model and while that interests me/is important what good teaching and good schooling really boils down to (and i have held this opinion since i began working with kids) is KNOWING YOUR STUDENTS. period. that's all. not even close to rocket science.  just know them. know where they're from, what they like, who they are, how many siblings, who they live with, why they don't like bananas, what kind of music they like, how they learn best, whether they have difficulty in social interactions, why and it goes on and on but this is the only way to ensure that you can best teach them.  and love them.  love them love them until your heart is full and teaching/giving them a little of what you know is all that can make it bigger and make more space for what they have to teach you.  they are people, not statistics and even when all odds are against you and it seems like those talking heads on capitol hill (and down the hall in the principal's office) will never get it together, fight the good fight in your own classroom with weapons of knowledge and love.

- a 20-something hopeful....and i'm not changing for nobody.

Invictus...unconquered.... by William Ernest Henley

I used to joke, "Of course BC accepted me, I'm 18, Puerto Rican and I don't have a baby, I'm helping to fill their quota."  6 years later, i extend a thousand apologies to my struggling mothers and victims of circumstance but i also realize that i was belittiling the hard work i did to get to where i was.  so, on this 28th day of july, 2010 as my master's degree was confirmed upon completion of my master's defense with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities therein i appreciate what i did to get here as well as the hard work, love, support, well wishes, prayers and general good vibes from my family and friends.  i appreciate the negative energy sent also, keep it comin, that shit is good target practice.

written as a "demonstration of his resilience" Henley says it best in the poem below that was introduced to me in high school, had new-found meaning in college and continues to ring true in my heart today.  enjoy.  peace and prosperity, humans.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

"Shun not the struggle, face it, for it is God's gift..."

The revolution's here
No one can lead you off your path
You'll try to change the world
So please excuse me while I laugh
No one can change your ways
No one can lead you off your path
You'll try to change the world
So please excuse me while I laugh
- Talib Kweli

it's funny how you think you know who are but then a set of brand new eyes are looking clear through you and you don't know this person from adam but they seem to know something about you, realize something about you that you didn't know or you knew and never put words to. gosh, i love connecting to people.

anyway, what was said about me is that i am passionate and hopeful in the face of struggle. even when odds are against me i keep on keepin on. i guess i never saw this as much of feat because the fact is that there are people with far more odds against them and anything i struggle through ... well, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, right? so, "struggle doesn't necessarily have to feel like hardship." in fact, if you look at it more as duty, which i realize i do, then it can even feel good. ask anyone who works with inner-city youth and they'll tell you it's hard and the classroom holds far more than 30 students because the roster doesn't account for the baggage that they carry in and maybe it feels like you're jumping hurdles all day but celebrate each hurdle and thank god that you have the capacity to jump it in the first place.

The Gospel According to Shug

Below is an excerpt from one of my favorite books of all time, Temple of My Familiar by one of the loves of my life: Alice Walker. The book is a companion novel to The Color Purple and i understand something new each time I read it. ENJOY.

"HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know. "

wrap your arms around me baby like a circle round the sun

I'm headed back to NY on the Metro-North (doesn't traveling alone make u think a lot? Sometimes that's why I don't like it...). I'm coming from the camp that I spent 5 glorious summers at as a child. Standing at the bank and looking out at the lake I realized that I new the tree skyline by heart, it was etched in my brain and the feeling of being there had since been covered by other bullshit and I was able to put my mind at ease for the first time in a while. My eyes relaxed, opposite from the way I walk through NYC as if I have blinders on, with music plugging up my ears and foul smells barraging me. Wide open spaces trigger something in your brain that makes it easier to relax, to see, to breathe, to think, to feel, to love (sidebar: is this why prisons "work?" Hmm.). I am eternally appreciative of the memories I have from this place and the lessons I have learned (boating, swimming, firestarting, first aid, how to be a good friend, helping, sharing, what poison ivy looks like, how to appreciate every little thing God has given you-- to name a few). More so, I am ever-grateful for the people who graced my life at that time and continue to do so today. There is something special about the kind of relationship that 13/14 year old girls have. You know everything about each other- partly because, due to the time-on-earth:experience ratio there is less to know but also because there are no holds barred knowing that this person loves you and your secrets are just important to them as they are to you. I am ecstatic/awed/thankful to report that 10 years apart changed nothing and seeing these special ladies helped me to hold a mirror to myself and know that I love me because they first loved me--- before I was even me!

Intentions

what if you don't know your own intentions? or, maybe, you are just hiding them from yourself? does that make you extremely intelligent or extremely crazy? is it possible to not know what you needed until you get it? why or why not? if it is possible to not know what you have until you lose then it can be possible to hide your feelings so well that even you forgot where you put them and start to questions whether you had them in the first place?

faith at this moment

"The painful things seemed like knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place."- Anita Diamant ("The Red Tent")

“Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

on days that i feel unhappy certain christian teachings i have been taught lead me to believe that it's the Enemy- capital E- trying to keep me down, tell me i'm not worth it, make me feel bad. but then, on happy, light days couldn't that be this enemy too? this time trying to keep me blinded from what is really going on around me? helping me to think what i am doing is right when i couldn't be more wrong? casting doubt? the god of the jews hardened the pharoah's heart to make it possible for hordes of slaves to walk right on out of egypt and it was similar hardness aka grit that saved job from temptation and certain death. in current world circumstances i find it hard to understand who's who and what's what but- quite honestly- these celestial battles going on for my soul make me nervous. thinking we are alone in the universe is scarier so i leave that alone. we are not alone, left for dead, but when you really start to hold this faith thing and turn it around in your hands you start to see it as the piece of cut crystal that it resembles; sparkling, twinkling, changing depending on your position and the position of the sun. so it all depends on where we are and what season of life we are in. is faith supposed to be rigid like the crystal? unbend-able? stiff? cold, hard crystal would chip if dropped or if it fell as humans so often "fall," "fail", "miss the mark." hmmmmm no, it's more like water... fluid, moving, changing direction, filling the cup it is poured into and sparkling in the sun like innumerable diamonds.

small bodies, large minds

I have made the argument before for memorizing poetry so in order to encourage my first graders to do so i recited an old fav/classic in class from memory: Frost's The Road Not Taken. What followed was a lively conversation with my 6 year olds about taking the road less traveled. This particular comment warmed my heart: "Ms. Cordero, the poet wants to take the road that's more grassy because not so many people had went there. I think he is being brave because it is probably scarier but you have to do scary things because you have to be brave like you told us Ms. Cordero. If you don't try something you can't say you don't like it."

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.